


Dirk/Equius For President

by SeiryuNoHoushi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirk Strider's Impromptu Friend Fiction, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, Schoolstuck, Tender Hand Holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:49:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiryuNoHoushi/pseuds/SeiryuNoHoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate Title: In Which Dirk And Equius Both Run For Student Council President While Carrying On A Secret Friendship That May In Fact Be a Romance But Equius Doesn't Want To Tell His Dad And No One Seems To Know About It. Featuring One Prankster's Gambit, A STRONG Moirallegiance, Dirk Strider Impromptu Friend Fiction, and Totally Not Ironic Shipping Bracelets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirk/Equius For President

**Author's Note:**

> This was my second submission for Main Round 1 of Homestuck Shipping World Cup: Propaganda. We also didn't go with this one. But it's cute!

“So that’s the plan.” John finished.

“Alright. I’m in. But only for the irony.” Dave took a sip of his apple juice to emphasize the point.

“What irony?” Dirk set his tray down, intrigued. 

Dave gave his brother an unreadable look. Or at least, it should have been unreadable. Unfortunately, Dirk was practiced in the art of reading stoic prick and a certified translator of ironic douchebag. 

“Another one of John’s pranks.” Dirk immediately lost interest. 

 

On the other side of the cafeteria, another conversation was taking place entirely. “My platform is going to be an extra free period for all students. And Ice Cream Tuesdays. Little do they know once they elect me, like all politicians I won’t follow through at all.” Vriska cackled wildly.

“Serket. This isn’t a joking matter. The President of the Student Council should be more dignified. Perhaps they should run with promises of eliminating illicit drug use.” He glanced down the table at a specific student indulging him with a lazy grin. “Or reducing the amount of sugary carbonated beverages offered in the cafeteria.”

“Bro, all we need is Faygo.” The recipient of his glare offered, grin still plastered on his face.

“If you feel so _strongly_ about the situation, maybe you should be running, Equius.”

“If it would mean preventing your empty promises and questionable intentions from securing a seat of power, then I will.”

 

“So, you plan on introducing me to your friends, or is it some deep dark secret that we’ve been hanging out?” Dirk questioned, sprawling over Equius’s bed.

“You’ve already met Nepeta and she’s the only important one.” 

“You’ve got a table with eleven other people that you sit at every day and Nepeta’s the only important one?”

“It’s complicated.” He sighed when Dirk gave him an ‘Oh, really?’ look. “Nepeta roleplays with Terezi. Terezi used to roleplay with Vriska and she has an on and off relationship with Karkat. Vriska was roleplay partners with Eridan who is friends with Feferi. Karkat is friends with Gamzee and Kanaya. Gamzee engages in ‘rapping’ with Tavros. Tavros used to roleplay with Aradia. Aradia used to date Sollux.”

“So in other words… Everybody else is a friend of a friend.”

“Yes. And there’s no need for them to be involved. There are already complications with you knowing Nepeta.”

“I thought we got along purretty well.”

“Please don’t. That is actually the problem. She is an obsessive shipper.”

Dirk raised an eyebrow. “You mean like a fanfiction shipper?”

“Yes. She does this with her friends though.”

“So… Us?”

“Yes.”

“Well shit. I didn’t know we were having a torrid love affair. I would’ve introduced you to my brother sooner. How fast are we moving here? Should I be looking for a ring? A house?”

“The speed at which you devolve into ridiculousness always amazes me.”

“Not sure I can support your expensive lifestyle, though. We’ll end up broke and penniless with me working in some American sweatshop sewing Nikes for Chinese kids. But we’ll still have our love. Until you leave me for a horse-racing millionaire.”

“ _Dirk_.”

 

 

Dirk didn’t seem phased when his name was announced in the running for student council president, despite the fact that he hadn’t chosen to enter. “Really, John? That’s your idea of an awesome prank?”

“It seemed pretty awesome when I was thinking about it.” John shrugged.

“The irony is that you’re going to actually run now, isn’t it?” Dave questioned.

“Pretty much.”

 

“Vriska. Explain to me why your name isn’t on the ballot.” Equius demanded.

“Because I have generously decided that instead of running against you, I should be your campaign manager. You’re welcome.”

“My entire purpose in running was to ensure that you weren’t unopposed-“

“And now you have the chance to live up to that ‘noble lineage’ of yours.”

“My opponent is Dirk Strider. Do you even realize how many extracurricular activities we are engaged in together?”

“Oh, I’m soooooooo sorry that you have to face off against your pony pal.”

“Equestrian Club Member. He was also my partner in the recent robotics expo.”

“Then you should know all about him and how to make him pay for running against you.”

“I don’t want to ‘make him pay’. He’s done nothing to deserve any sort of slander your devious mind has come up with.”

“You just leave it all to me.”

 

“We’re running against each other. Why didn’t you mention that you would be running?” Equius remained standing. He never felt comfortable lounging in Dirk’s room and it was why they hardly ever decided to meet at Casa Strider. He was always certain he was going to break something.

“I didn’t know I was running until they announced it. It’s another one of my little bro’s friend’s pranks.”

“Then one of us should resign.”

“Nah. This’ll be fun. Just the two of us in a passionate rivalry to span the ages.”

 

Little do they recall that there is a dark horse in this race. Seriously. Neither of them would be able to resist that phrase if they did. 

Feferi hummed happily to herself as she put the finishing touches on her poster. A dash of glitter and voila! Just perfect! “This is so EXCITING!” She squealed. 

“Of course, Fef. No one deserves to lead the student council as much as you do.” Eridan brushed glitter from his sleeve. “And I’m definitely making sure that you get it.” His attempt to grab her hand and look lovingly into her eyes failed completely, possibly because she had no idea how he felt.

“You’re the best friend ever, Eridan!”

Ow. Friend-zoned. One of these days, he’d make her see that he was perfect for her. Maybe this election would be his chance.

 

“This is the plan. First, I’m going to dig up all the dirt on Dirk Strider. ALL OF IT.” Vriska pointed to the next phase on the plan she’d written on the board. “Then we’ll run a campaign showing how weak he is.”

Equius frowned. “Shouldn’t we be running on a campaign of strong moral values? That was my initial intention…”

“That’s the next phase. Once we’ve proven he isn’t fit to rule, we swoop in for the kill.”

“I’m not sure that I approve of this plan…”

 

“Wow. This is a lot more work than I thought.” John shuffled through paperwork, overwhelmed.

“You signed me up for this. You’re in for the long haul.” Dirk held up one of the posters. “What do you think?”

“Does Lil’ Cal _have_ to be in the poster? I mean, Dave wouldn’t even help me edit it as soon as he saw that.”

“Of course Cal has to be in the poster. He’s my running mate.”

“Well, what do you know about Equius? You’ve got to know something about him.”

 _Excellent observation Egbert. I’m only at his house every other day._ Dirk shrugged. Their whole friendship was under wraps. As far as Equius’s dad knew, they were still working on a robotics project together. This was mostly because Equius was convinced his father would freak out about their ‘class disparity’. He said it’d taken a long time for him to get over Nepeta. “He’s a cool enough guy.”

“Seriously, Dirk. We need to know everything about him. Vriska’s already been poking around the school to find out what you’ve done.”

“I’ll think about it.”

 

He’d been thinking about it since this afternoon. This whole relationship was pretty damn weird. “So, when are you planning on dropping the bomb on your father? ‘Hey, remember Dirk Strider? We’re actually really good friends. He’s not just a casual school acquaintance.’”

“I hadn’t thought about it.”

“Ok. Cool. Cause when Nepeta starts our wedding album, that’s when we’ll tell him. He’ll totally be less likely to flip his shit over her shipping antics and long fan fiction about how we get married, buy a house, go broke and you divorce me for some douche with a full stable.”

“That was actually something you made up.”

“Alright. Maybe I made up the part about you divorcing me for Jake English-“

Equius gave him a baffled look. “Jake English? I can’t even stand him.”

“Hey. You’re only getting with him because we both know he’ll one day be a collector of champion racing horses.”

“Is it even possible for someone to be full of as much horse manure as you are?”

“Nope. I’m the bullshit king. It is me.”

 

“Well, what do you think?” Vriska gave him a smug grin.

“This is… This is quite lewd. Was he really…?”

“Actual fact. Strider was kicked out of Home Economics classes for sewing what the teacher referred to as ‘obscene toys’.”  
Equius looked over the pictures of said toys. “Oh my…”

“If we run this, we destroy him.”

 

“Wow, Dirk. I don’t think I ever even wanted to know this much about Equius.” John looked from the information on the other candidate to Dirk. “Art Appreciation Club… Equestrian Club… Archery Club… Participant in the Robotics Expo… And he’s still got good grades!”

“And then there’s this.” Dirk tapped the bottom page of his information. He’d debated showing this to John, but the whole ‘We’re still not telling my dad!’ thing had just gotten ridiculous. It wasn’t like they were dating or anything.

“Oh my god…” John just stared at the paper. “Do people actually like this stuff?”

He remained completely cool on the outside, but inside he flinched just a little at John’s tone of voice. Was he really going to run this slanderous campaign against the very guy he’d spent the last summer becoming fast friends and building a robot with? 

They’d bonded over being the guys with weird hobbies. Dirk had introduced him to the hentai behind his Anime Club membership and Equius had in turn shared exactly what Dirk was now preparing to expose to the whole school: That he had a secret passion for muscle-bound furry art. Was he really going to throw that away just because Equius was scared of what his father might say?

 

“Oh, Eridan! No!” Feferi frowned at his handiwork. “We’re not going to win by making anemones with anyone!”

“I swear, Fef. You’ve got to stop with the fish puns. People are gonna think you’re weird or somefin.”

She giggled. “You just said ‘somefin’. I can’t help it, though! I love everything about the sea! One day I’m going to be a marine biologist!”

He recapped the marker, frowning. He’d defaced both of the boys’ posters already. If she wanted to run a clean campaign, he was just going to have to work from behind the scenes then.

 

In the end, they’d both pulled back from mud-slinging. It didn’t feel right to betray what they had – especially when they not only saw each other regularly, but had promised to band together for another year of robots.

That hadn’t stopped Eridan, though. When he caught wind of what both parties had thrown out the window, he began spreading rumors. The first rumor to catch fire in the school was that Dirk was being threatened with rehab for a strange sex addiction.

With his best poker face, Dave addressed this issue at their lunch table. “Bro. This is an intervention. Seriously. You’re making me cry here. “

“No, Dave. Just no.” Behind his shades he glared down at his plate. He’d been double crossed. The rumor was false, but like all good rumors it had a seed of truth in the center of it. He HAD been thrown out of home economics for sewing “questionable items of a mature nature”. Though really it’d only been brought to attention when he’d chastised the teacher for her uneven stitch work. 

The second rumor landed on their table not long after that. “S’ok Dirk.” Roxy offered, throwing an arm around his shoulders. “You won’t believe what they’re saying about Equius!” She relayed the rumor of his unnatural fondness for animals, asserting that maybe THAT was why he didn’t have a girlfriend and he liked to hang out with “that cat girl”.

 

“Nepeta, please don’t believe these rumors. I would never abuse our friendship like that.” 

“Don’t be silly! I would nefur believe that! Not fur a minute!” She opened her arms, offering him a hug.

“Perhaps that is not a good idea in public at this moment, considering certain things that are circulating about me.”

“Vriskers didn’t spread those mean rumors about Dirk, did she?”

“She says that she didn’t and for once, I believe her.”

“Purrhaps this is a job fur Detective Pyrope and her faithful sidekick?”

Equius sighed. “Nepeta, the last thing I need right now is for you to use this as an excuse for another campaign of roleplaying with Terezi.”

 

“The school agreed to give us a debate.” This whole situation was awkward. They’d been meeting almost daily ever since the robotics expo and now they couldn’t even look each other in the eye – well, in the shades he guessed. “Are we still cool?”

Equius wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to that. He was fairly certain that Dirk wasn’t behind the rumors. That still didn’t make them ‘cool’. Why did it have to be _him_ running? Things had been going well between them. He might even have considered Dirk to be his _best friend_ \- after Nepeta, of course. “For the sake of the school, we must be civil. So yes, I suppose we must still be ‘cool’.”

“And next year’s robotics expo? Are we still on for that?”

“You still want to be seen with me after the stigma that I-“

“I’ve always known you love horses and I’m pretty sure you got the hint that I like puppets. So let’s cut the bullshit. We both know those things aren’t true and just because people are saying them doesn’t mean that I’m not going to hang out with probably the only guy in the whole school who doesn’t think I’m a freak once they get past my innumerable layers of cool. I was hoping you feel the same way. Can we promise that no matter what happens here, we’re not going to turn our backs on each other?”

“I think I can promise that.”

 

“Hey, Eq. They’re saying they want you to take off your sunglasses.” Eridan whispered to him back stage. “They already made Dirk do the same thing.”

“What?”

“Something about connecting with your audience.” Surely this was the best thought out plan ever. There HAD to be something hidden behind at least one of those pairs of dark prescription shades. After all, who wore prescription shades indoors anyways?

“Er. Well, I suppose.” He removed the sunglasses.

Oh crap. Underneath the glasses were big bright blue eyes. Nothing weird except for how pretty they actually were. What the hell? Why did this guy even wear sunglasses? Yeah, he had dark circles underneath but that just gave him a sort of dark, brooding, artistic charm.

Well, that was just one of two. He’d lied about Dirk already agreeing to it. Surely behind those weird pointed shades something strange lurked.

The horrible thing was the shades doubled not only as ‘Anime cool’, but total irony. Underneath Dirk’s eyes were maybe a strange orange color, but he was actually better looking without the shades obscuring his face. Eridan growled under his breath as both candidates took the stage.

 

“You’ve got this!” Vriska mouthed at Equius. Which would have been more reassuring if he could actually see her. Fiddlesticks. He really did need those glasses.

He fumbled with the note cards, not entirely sure he’d be able to see anything Vriska had written. Oh no. The only thing he could REALLY see was Dirk and- Oh. Oh my. Eridan hadn’t been joking. Dirk had indeed removed his trademark shades.

“I’d like to start off by saying that I’m Dirk Strider, and I don’t approve of these rumors going around. About myself, or my opponent.” He turned that marmalade gaze to Equius and-

Oh. This is not good. EVERYTHING that he had practiced for the speech seemed to slip right out of his mind. “I’m Equius Zahhak and…” What had the next part been? He desperately searched for Vriska but she was a blur of dark hair and pale skin in a sea of bodies. “And…”

Dirk quirked an eyebrow up. Behind his shades, that look would have translated from ironic douchebag into ‘Are you ok, bro?’

“I am resigning from this race.” He couldn’t do it. He had fallen prey to the Strider swag.

Dirk didn’t hesitate. “So am I.”

“We can’t both resign. No. I forbid it.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No. Just because you have magnificent eyes does not mean-“ He covered his mouth, realizing what he had just said.

“You’re really crushing on the Strider now?”

“We’re not having this conversation here!”

Dirk followed as Equius bolted from the stage. A loud murmur rose among the gathered students. Nepeta congratulated herself on a pawsitively successful ship.

“Well, that explains a lot.” Roxy whispered to John.

 

“Where DO you want to have this conversation then?” Dirk questioned, grabbing Equius’s arm.

“I’ve been made a complete and total fool of. The idea of having this conversation with you just adds insult to injury.”

“No, seriously. We need to talk. So you’ve got a bad case of Strider Fever. I’ve got the cure.”

“This is ridiculous! There’s no su-“ Equius found it hard to continue the conversation with Dirk’s lips pressed to his.

“Damn. This is the worst case I’ve ever seen. I’m going to have to try to resuscitate again.”

“I thought you intended to talk.”

Dirk shrugged. “This is a lot more effective.”

 

“Feferi will be an admirable leader.” Equius suggested.

“I can’t believe we forgot she was running.” The corner of Dirk’s mouth twitched up when he grabbed Equius’s hand on the table.

“The idea of running to campaign for a new program to begin high achievement students on the path to their chosen career… That is quite an excellent reason to want the power.”

The waitress looked first at one of them, then the other. “Who ordered the shake again?”

“Two straws. We’re sharing.” Dirk offered.

“I must admit, the results were well worth the troubles we incurred. Though Nepeta’s shipping has gotten somewhat uncontrollable. She’s made _bracelets_.”

“Totally rocking one in the most unironic way possible.” Dirk offered his wrist for inspection.

“Please don’t encourage her.”  
“So we’re telling your dad, right?” Equius didn’t answer, instead taking a sip of the shake. “We’re telling him, _right_?” 

“Is that really necessary?”

“ _Equius_.”

“We’re telling him.” He conceded.


End file.
